A crazy little thing called love!

A new internet scam is wrecking your chance of love online; Kieran Watkins looks more into the problems facing online dating sites (article written for The University of Kent Centre for Journalism)

Depressed, lonely and empty; just some of the feelings many single people will be feeling this Valentines. As we cry into our pillows, devour our way through the chocolate aisle of Asda and contemplate reaching for a kitchen knife, one simple solution to our desolate lifestyles is just a few clicks away.

Yes, internet dating. In the last ten years the virtual Blind Date has become so popular that it is believed to generate up to £2billion to the global economy. With one in five relationships being formed online, sites such as match.com and eharmony.co.uk have proved popular for single Brits as we search for the perfect guy or girl to fall in love with.

But behind your loved-up computer screen lies a growing international problem, one which threatens to ruin any romance you thought you might have, and take your money and possessions with it.

The rise of online scammers on internet dating sites has sparked fresh concerns about the dangers of using internet chat rooms online, as more people become victims to online scammers.

“I’ve lost everything”, says Amy Champion, 33, from Winchester, Hampshire. She lost all her money when she was targeted by a scammer through a dating site.

“He, if it was ever a he, posed as a businessman living in London. His photo was of a dark, handsome man in a suit. I guess you could say it was love at first sight.

“We hit it off instantly, and chatted all the time. We messaged privately and on Facebook, he never gave me his number.

“After a few weeks, we arranged to meet up, but he said he had no money at the moment because he had just invested in a new business.

“Despite only knowing him for a short while, I felt like I could trust him, so sent my bank details over to him so that he could book a train ticket to visit me.”

For Amy, it was the last time she heard from Michael, 42, who described himself as ‘a relaxed, funny guy looking to start a relationship.’ But although Amy failed to hear from Mark, he left a lasting memory that will haunt her life forever.

“He took my bank details and transferred all my money over to his account. Everything was gone. I went from being madly in love to broken-hearted and penniless.”

Amy’s story is not uncommon. Research by Leicester University in 2012 estimated that 230,000 Britons had been targeted by conmen, who target vulnerable adults in to giving them their bank details.

The conmen are usually based overseas, and start by targeting their victim by posing as an innocent single man or woman, usually using an alias formed around a picture of somebody else and taken from a social-networking site.

They then start talking to victims, usually through private messaging services, forming a relationship with the online dater over several weeks before flying over to meet the loved one. At this point, they then make up a story about being denied a visa, requesting that money and the person’s bank details be sent over so they can finally meet.

But you never do meet each other. In fact, whilst you queue up at arrivals in Heathrow, the potential love of your life is splashing your cash at your expense.

And it’s an expensive game. More than £37 billion is estimated to have been stolen by online scammers in the UK alone, and with police unable to prevent or track down the scammers, the problem is one which is deteriorating rapidly.

“Scammers come in droves, and they’re very aggressive”, explains internet consultant Mark Brooks, from Online Personals Watch.

“I would strongly advise talking to someone on the phone before meeting them.”

One woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, lost £50,000 to £60,000 after sending her personal bank details to her lover, whom she had been in contact with for more than a year.

But despite losing the money, she says that she “forgives him” for what he has done.

“I’ve formed a relationship with him, even if it is online. I love him and I can’t wait to finally meet him one day.”

In the majority of cases, police and the dating websites are unable to locate the villains behind the crime, meaning many of the victims are without justice as well as no money.

Despite the concerns, the Office of National Statistics has recently added online dating to its basket of goods and services to calculate UK inflation rates.

But some councils in England remain unconvinced about the benefits of online dating, and have taken it on themselves to warn the public about being misled online.

Medway Council has launched a new campaign to coincide with Valentines’ Day, to help raise awareness about the growing problem with online scammers.

The council’s Trading Standards team have provided a set of guidelines for members of the public to read and follow when setting up their own profiles online, which include warnings to never give out personal details and be suspicious of a request for financial help.

Councillor Mike O’Brien, Medway Council’s Portfolio Holder for Community Safety and Customer Contact said: “Locally we have probably a minimum of a dozen reports a year from people who have been conned via dating agencies.

“These range from bogus dating agencies who promise ‘matches’ and then disappear without any introductions with the memberships fees to the extreme detailed in the press release of people handing over thousands of pounds to bogus people who they believe they are in love with.

“It really is pernicious and as usual exploits people at their weakest point, in this case emotionally.”

So as you mop up your tears and watch yet another Richard Curtis film this Valentines, think to yourself; maybe it is better to be single, because signing yourself up to an online dating site could ruin your life forever.

Medway Council’s Trading Standards teams’ six steps to staying safe:

1. Only use well-known, reputable online dating agencies
2. Always be sceptical and if you are asked for any type of financial help be extremely suspicious
3. Be careful when going on a date and always try and meet someone who lives locally
4. Never give out any personal details
5. Be extra careful of anyone using PO Box addresses or telephone numbers that are never answered
6. If your online date only ever talks about themselves and never actually answers your questions it could be because they are only sending a standard email to hundreds of other people

Coming out has brought me closer to my family

It’s taken me five years to accept I’m gay. Five years of anxiety, denial, depression, unease and deceit. Five years to acknowledge my sexuality and prepare to tell my family. How long did it take them to accept it? About five seconds.

Coming out to my family and friends was perhaps my proudest achievement of 2012. I might have bungee jumped off a bridge in New Zealand and volunteered as a Games Maker at the Olympics, but nothing compares to the relief of finally accepting and being accepted as the person you really are. It has boosted my confidence, made me feel at ease with the world and brought me closer to my family.

It was midway through secondary school that my feelings towards boys started blossoming, although in hindsight it was probably earlier then that when the feelings were noticeable. Flashback to my hot neighbour across the road and it all comes flooding back. I had a love of drama, singing and dancing from such an early age, which for most parents would raise the alarm. It’s certainly something my mother was well aware of.

“You’re really gay? I’ve known since you were nine!” was her response when I came out to her in early September last year. Picking the perfect moment - she was driving when I told her - she pushed her foot down slightly harder on the accelerator then she would normally as we drove up the dual carriageway. Car crash averted, thankfully.

I knew my Mum would take it well. In fact, I knew she knew. When I was still curled up inside her womb she famously told my grandmother that I would grow up to be a ‘ballet dancer’, much to my grandmother’s horror (she declared I’d be a footballer. I hate football. Sorry Grandma.) So even from birth it looked like I was destined for the life of a gay man. And here I am. Happy, comfortable; out and proud.

Nevertheless, it still took me five long, emotional years to accept it. Secondary school is no place for a gay boy. I was taunted by boys for being ‘camp’, quizzed by bitchy girls about my sexuality and ridiculed for my love of acting and the limelight. Thankfully, I hid it well. Choosing to ignore it at first proved the best option, and kissing girls and having a couple of girlfriends kept the bullies at bay. But a boy who hated sport, was only friends with girls and loved Hairspray and Strictly Come Dancing was always going to be coming out the closet at some point.

College swiftly passed by and again, the rumours persisted, but my stance remained the same. “It’s just a phase,” I’d repeat to myself every day. I used to make resolutions every new year that I wouldn’t look at a man in a certain way, that I wouldn’t watch any indecent videos online, but it took only a few days for my hormones to get the better of me and admit defeat as I flicked through Youporn.

Living in the country didn’t help things. No one was gay, apart from the stereotypical gay’s who everyone loathed and who I tried to avoid on most occasions. There was no one to talk to. There were perhaps one or two friends I knew at school who felt the same way, but speaking with them only made me more and more confused. Bottling it up and trying to forget about it made me depressed and emotional. It meant I kept my distance from my family, locked myself up in my room away from my family and their rumours. On one occasion, when I overheard my mum and younger brother discussing my sexuality (he used to tease me regularly, despite being very welcoming and protective now), I felt so low I was determined to change.

University was the moment for change. Getting away from my family seemed the perfect opportunity to forget about my previous feelings and start afresh. Knowing no one else was perfect, it meant people didn’t gossip about you or question your sexuality. It was perfect. I was kissing girls, living the life of a fresher.

But I was living a lie. Deep down, I knew the act couldn’t last forever. The other good thing about university is that the majority of people here are open and liberal about attitudes to sexuality. I mix with lesbians, bisexuals and gays on a day-to-day basis and no one complains, no one stares and no one is secretly gossiping about you behind your back.

On one drunken night, I kissed a boy who was staying with my friend for the weekend. I knew what I wanted, I knew I had to finally do it and face up to it. And it felt good. From that point on I knew I was gay, I just had to learn to be comfortable with it. A few months down the line and after meeting a few guys through Twitter for dates, I finally met one who made me see me for who I really was. A 19-year-old student hoping to crack the world of journalism, who also happens to be a homosexual. It was the first moment in all my life that I finally felt comfortable, and most of all, happy.

And from then on, I’ve never looked back. Soon after telling my Mum, I told my university friends and childhood pals. All were happy for me, even if most of them were unsurprised. Coming out was easy. Trying not to make a big deal out of it was reassuring, like a weight lifting from your shoulders. Once I had told a few key friends, I waited for the rumours to do the talking. Now most people know and there have been no problems.

My relationship with my family however has been the key change. Short of throwing me a ‘coming out’ party and belting out that infamous Diana Ross song, my Mum stood by me as I told the rest of my family. Despite a few shocks by one or two relatives, everyone has been understanding and supportive. Now I’ve told them, we can go back to normal. And that’s just it, I am normal. I have not changed who I am; my personality hasn’t gone from a moderate Neil Patrick-Harris to an over-excited Alan Carr.

I’m still Kieran. The white elephant in the room has been addressed and there are no more awkward glances between my family, glances that ask, “Is he? Isn’t he?” I can even joke about it to my Mum, who recently sent me a 'coming-out' card with two Ken dolls from Barbie getting married. I guess I can only thank the woman who bought me Abba Gold as my first album when I was ten (yes that happened, and yes my favourite song is Fernando.)

So my big bad secret turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. A happy, single gay man looking forward to a successful, colourful future.

(Picture: the card my Mum sent me)

Quick note to say if you want to discuss any issues I've raised or the experiences I've been through, or if you just fancy a natter, you can talk to me through my twitter account: @kieranwatkins or via email, kdj_says_hey@hotmail.co.uk

Medway universities make National Kissing League

(written by Kieran Watkins, taken from The Medwire)

The first University Kissing League results have been released, with all three universities from the Medway campus making the league.

The University of Kent appeared above the University of Greenwich and Canterbury Christchurch University, placing 31st on the league.

The league gives an average for the number of people students are likely to have kissed in the last term.

According to the survey, conducted by studentbeans.com, each student from the University of Kent locked lips with an average of 3.03 people since September 2012.

The University of Greenwich placed 66 with an average of 2.1, with Canterbury Christ Church significantly lower with an average of just 1.37, placing 84th on the list.

Topping the league, which surveyed 4,039 students from 89 universities, was Northumbria University, where each student has kissed an average of 6.13 people. To read the results, follow visit Student Beans

How to smell a rat on the first date

Forget the day of love, lust and happiness we saw waft into our lives yesterday, like a bad smell. Valentines; besides the copious amounts of glossy cards, wilting bouquets and last-minute dinners is just like any ordinary day. What is to say it is going to be the right time for a first date?

We all know the first date is supposed to be romantic. Whether it be a meal and a night out at the cinema, or a picnic in the park; it is the perfect chance to get to know a boy better. But what if he is not interested? How do you tell if he has put the effort into making the perfect first impression? Here is my guide, from a boy who has done all of the below and failed at winning a girl over, on how to ditch the guy who is not interested.

If his idea of a restaurant means a meal in McDonalds.
So he has just paid for you at the cinema, and he is a bit strapped for cash. Where does he take you, McDonalds? Classy right? No. Who wants to stare into their potential bf’s eyes over a Big Mac and fries? If he cannot afford to buy you a nice meal now, imagine the next date. Ditch him.

If he uses a voucher code to pay for the meal.
Ok, so if he takes you to a fancy meal at a Gordon Ramsey restaurant, it might be acceptable. But if he has you picking from a set menu at Pizza Express because it’s 2 for £10, he obviously has no money. Forget it.

If he takes you out on a Wednesday.
What’s wrong with Wednesday right? Wrong, Wednesday is Orange Wednesday. In other words, it means cheap cinema tickets and food that will keep his balance in check. In other words, he is a cheapskate. Dump him.

If he wears trainers and trackies to a date.
Imagine the pain and stress you have put into choosing your outfit, to find he has shown up in a Lonsdale tracksuit and a pair of Reebok classics. Do you really want to be seen around with that on your arm? Chuck him.

If he uses his mobile during the date.
If it’s an emergency, then of course it is acceptable. But if it is to poke a friend or tweet about the gorgeous girl sitting across from him, it is rude. It means he is bored of you. Call it off.

If he starts talking about his ex.
So you sit there talking about your life, struggling to stay conscious as you stare in to his dreamy eyes. Then suddenly the moment is ruined as he pours his heart out about his ex. If he even mentions her name, it means he is not over her. Lose him.

If he expects more than a kiss on the checkIf he is a decent, caring bloke he will know not to tread the line and simply kiss you on the cheek, and arrange a second date. But if he asks to walk you home, or goes in for the kill, he only wants one thing. And it is not to see your Justin Beiber album collection. End it.

Picture courtesy of Wikipedia